| An arachnophobic...one who believes that his | | | | into the bathroom she found me wrapped in a |
| her world would do very nicely sans spiders. | | | | towel, tears streaming from my face, |
| That's me.I admit I have no official | | | | blubbering and shaking and doing the willie |
| diagnosis. It's not as though I went to the | | | | dance."WHAT HAPPENED? WHAT?!" she yelled.My |
| doctor one day with strange spider-fearing | | | | answer? A point to the shower stall, water |
| symptoms and she said, "I'm sorry, Amy, but | | | | still running. "A SPIIIIIIIIDER!" I |
| you have arachnophobia." And yet there is no | | | | wailed.When I moved out two years later to |
| doubt in my mind that I fear spiders.Phobias | | | | attend college 90 miles away, I can't say she |
| are like that. I understand, intellectually, | | | | cried a whole lot.I always wanted to assuage |
| that in the vast untamed wilds of Albany, New | | | | my phobia, really I did. I'd heard somewhere |
| York, I will likely never encounter any | | | | that immersion is useful. You know, if you're |
| spider that could actually harm me. But | | | | afraid of the water, jump right in - that |
| phobia-fear is not about logic or rationale. | | | | kind of thing. But the idea of deliberately |
| It's about freaking out.I know, I | | | | placing a spider on my person was out of the |
| know...spiders are wonderful critters that | | | | question. I worked for a pet store during |
| eat yucky flies; spin lovely, mysterious webs | | | | summer break in college and thought perhaps |
| and save poor, doomed piglets named Wilbur | | | | I'd TOUCH their resident tarantula. Nope. No |
| from untimely demises. But put one on my arm | | | | go. And yet I'd literally wear a baby ball |
| and I'll morph instantaneously into a | | | | python snake around my neck all day as though |
| whirling dervish and blow out your eardrums | | | | it were a necklace. No problemo. Gathering |
| with bizarre, multi-pitched half-screams | | | | crickets from their tank to feed customers' |
| reserved for just such an emergency. Then, | | | | reptiles wasn't easy (they're pretty |
| after the spider has been flung from my arm, | | | | creepy-crawly too), but that's another |
| we're talking 30 minutes of recovery time | | | | story.I even had a car that seemed to present |
| that involves checking the rest of my body | | | | itself happily as a haven for wanton spiders. |
| thoroughly for any other possible hidden | | | | Constantly I'd find them setting up residence |
| spider, shaking myself like a dog to dislodge | | | | on the inside of the windshield. I had two or |
| said hidden spider, and scanning the | | | | three near-death experiences while driving, |
| immediate area in an intense paranoia that | | | | trapped in the car with the object of my |
| slowly wanes along with my elevated heart | | | | greatest fear. I seriously considered |
| rate and blood pressure.I spent much of my | | | | abandoning the car altogether one day when a |
| childhood and adolescence in the tireless | | | | spider crawled out of sight behind the |
| pursuit and destruction of spiders. I have no | | | | dashboard. With all the sense of humor I |
| traumatic spider-centric event on which to | | | | could muster, I named this car Charlotte. |
| blame my phobia; it was simply always | | | | Last year, I gave Charlotte away for a song |
| present. The very idea of the spider...so | | | | and moved on to a (knock on wood) spider free |
| many different shapes, sizes, behaviors! | | | | vehicle I quickly named Samantha.I did manage |
| Teeny brownish ones that crouch suspiciously | | | | to get to the point where I could gather up |
| in corners. Delicate gray ones that crawl | | | | half a roll or so of carefully wadded toilet |
| with illicit purpose up walls. And worst of | | | | paper, reaching my arm out as far as possible |
| all - squat, black ones that jump without | | | | to mush the spider into the tissue and drop |
| warning!I didn't mind them so much if they | | | | it lightning-fast into the toilet, flushing |
| were outside and not too close - but a spider | | | | it to a watery grave. This technique got me |
| in the house was entirely unacceptable. There | | | | through most of college without serious |
| was no stay of execution for these hapless | | | | incident, though I still yearned for a |
| arachnids.Ah, but the means of execution was | | | | partner in crime whom I could pay a buck or |
| a problem worthy of the great thinkers of our | | | | two to 'rub off' the offending spider.Then |
| time. Once I spotted a spider, I of course | | | | came my after-college roommate and best |
| could not APPROACH it (unless, by some | | | | friend, Gina.Gina, Buddhist, friend of all |
| blessed miracle, I found one on the floor and | | | | creatures...including spiders. This, of |
| had great big boots on, in which case I would | | | | course, presented a problem. I would scream |
| stomp on it heartily). Close proximity was | | | | spider and she would come running, but she |
| dangerous and foolhardy.Through necessity I | | | | would not kill."I'll catch it and put it |
| became a brilliant strategist. Usually the | | | | outside," she offered.Okay, fine. But often |
| spider would be planning its evil in an upper | | | | the quick little bugger would jump off the |
| corner of the room - too high up to reach, | | | | paper trap she'd fashioned and escape. And |
| even if I wanted to. Knock it down with a | | | | though I would retreat to a far room during |
| broom? No, that presented the possibility of | | | | this operation, she'd come in sheepishly and |
| its escape - or worse, falling on me. I would | | | | admit that the eviction was unsuccessful. |
| ball myself up on the end of the bed, staring | | | | Thus the liar clause was born."If you lose |
| it down, thinking...planning.Finally a | | | | the spider, you have to tell me you got it |
| breakthrough. HAIRSPRAY! Being an adolescent | | | | outside," I said demandingly, "and you have |
| of the 80s, I of course had plenty. And my | | | | to sound convincing."To this day I have no |
| technique seemed foolproof. Spray the spider | | | | idea how many of those spiders were actually |
| from a safe distance and quickly retreat even | | | | evacuated from our apartment. I only know |
| farther away. The hairspray would paralyze | | | | that my blessed mind was kind enough to |
| the spider, making it fall and giving no | | | | believe the lies that I myself had created.My |
| chance of escape. And oh, it worked, all | | | | sweet cat Sugar is nestled in my lap as I |
| right. With great streaming streaks of | | | | type this. Are there those who fear cats as I |
| hairspray marking the walls and ceiling. Once | | | | fear spiders? Is someone typing an article |
| I used a lighter with the hairspray and | | | | entitled "Crouching cats, hidden litter box" |
| actually torched a spider into | | | | as they stroke their pet spider? I shudder to |
| oblivion.Needless to say, my immaculate | | | | think of it.Now I am married and living in |
| mother was NOT a happy woman.Speaking of my | | | | our first house. My husband, just my luck, is |
| mother: Why didn't I simply yell for mom or | | | | another spider-lover. (Why all these |
| dad to come and do the dirty deed? I tried, | | | | defenders of spiders?) So far I've killed |
| but to no avail. My mother had no patience | | | | just two spiders here - not bad considering |
| for my phobia."Spiders aren't hurting | | | | the house is 50 years old and comes complete |
| anyone," she'd say with logic and certainty. | | | | with a basement, the traditional habitat for |
| "Just leave them alone and they'll leave you | | | | spiders of all shapes and sizes.But I still |
| alone."Yes, alone. No big brother or sister | | | | have my moments. While setting up the |
| (or little one either, for that matter) to | | | | finished portion of our basement for a |
| help. A father who may have helped but was in | | | | surprise party, I saw the shadow of a spider |
| his own apartment since the divorce. A battle | | | | in the corner. It was HUGE...but then, maybe |
| fought solo.One day when I was 16, my worst | | | | the light was just making it LOOK huge. Gosh, |
| fears came to fruition. I was in the shower | | | | where WAS it? I turned different lights off |
| with my head tipped back into the water to | | | | and on to try to determine which one caused |
| wash my hair. I opened my eyes for a moment | | | | the shadow. I cautiously peered around |
| and what I saw nearly made me lose the | | | | corners and behind fixtures, but to no avail. |
| contents of my bladder. There was a spider | | | | The shadow didn't move at all and would not |
| traveling slowly but directly down on its | | | | go away. Finally, I took down a container of |
| little invisible Batman-wire RIGHT ABOVE MY | | | | plastic cups from the shelf - and lo and |
| HEAD.My mother took the stairs three at a | | | | behold, the shadow disappeared. I put the |
| time when she heard the screams. Amy has | | | | cups back on the counter. The shadow came |
| fallen, she's broken bones, bleeding on the | | | | back. |
| floor, stabbed by an intruder!When she flew | | | | |